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Just a Rage and Three Kinds of Yes

Wincing The Night Away

I'm sitting in the middle of my room, staring at a blank wall, trying to figure out how to express myself in pictures. I've done it already on my other walls, but the wall above my bed is mocking me. I have pictures from my camera, and images from NYLON magazine and the New York Times travel section, and I have a Beatles Abbey Road poster and 4 vinyl albums that i got at a flea market in Ohio. All which are lying on my floor just waiting for some instruction, while i stare hopeless at a blank wall. As general of this operation i have failed my men, and i hear by resign from all duties as general interior wall designer. Alert the media. I have no problem leaving my men stranded without instruction. Instead of undertaking the huge feat of decorating, I shall indulge in some mellow music from Interpol. They are the perfect band for this late night haze that i feel over my whole body.

"My Friends They Come, and the Lines They Go By, but Tonight I'm Gonna Rest My Chemistry."

Highway

Roll my window down
Feel the wind rushing past
Invisible waves
Pushing against my face
Blowing back my hair
Blocking my ears
From the sound all around me
Radio is loud
But I can only feel
The beating against my chest
Cars floating between the lines
Going towards the horizon
The same destination
Everyone's window down
Feeling in unison
The beat of our hearts
And the rush of the wind

just a draft...

Blur of green
And red
And bllue
Smells i remember
From a carefree childhood
We'd run through the orchards
And squeal with delight
For not even imaginarinary monsters
Could outrun our youthful flight
Victory was ours
As we reached the finish line
Where rows and rows of apples, peaches
And blue berries waited
For our tiny mouths to savour

Ohio

 

 

 

 

Far Far

 

 

 

 

Shadow Man

Shadow man you amaze me. You lay beside me, and i feel you there, but i can't touch you. You wear this tough skin, dark like the shade but you're really just as fragile as me. You say no words but i know what you're saying. We speak the same unspoken language that only we can hear.

We play hide and seek and you always let me win. When i jump to the sky we break apart, but when i reach the ground we reunite. You copy my every move and nobody loses at Simon says.

Morning and afternoon we spend together. You grow and shrink while we play and that makes you special like me. Everybody changes except for you and me.

But when lunch and dinner come, you disappear. I get scared and i start to shake with the thought of being without you. Sometimes you don't come back and i shake so hard that i fall down and get hurt. But you always come back eventually and i'm not scared anymore. And then we play, like every other day.

Waiting for You

here i am lying lame
i will wait forever
right here in the rain

Reflection

look in the mirror
shout out your name
does it match the face

vision gets blurred
don't know who you are
who's in the mirror

Savour

blur of green
and red
and blue
smells i remember
from a carefree childhood
where we'd run through the orchard
and squeal with delight
for not even imaginary monsters
could out run our flight
victory was ours
as we reached the finish line
where rows of apples, peaches
and blueberries waited
for tiny mouths to call "mine"

by Monica

"I'll never break your heart"

So after writing that way too long post about boys that broke hearts and my thoughts from 4 am, I thought I'd share some of the pitures of guys that i had that i would go crazy for. Yes, it is childish to have crushes on celebrities, and on a deeper level i actually dispise Zac Efron and Robert Pattinson because so many other girls are obsessed over them. For me, the more "popular" it is, the less I like it. All hail the trends from the underground. If no one knows about it, I love it. Below, are guys with looks that I admire, music skills, or percieved personalities that i find to be "heartbreaker" material.

Shiny Toy Pills at 4 am

I went to bed at 4 am this morning. The only reason i actually fell asleep was because I took twice as many pain killers as the bottle says you should. My knee has been killing me ever since my knee injury from running has decided to reappear. And the pain is hard to bare, because even a week after the run, i still have daily pain that keeps me up at night. But when you're lying in the middle of your floor, slightly hypnotized and listening to music, my pain seems to fade and the songs seem different. All of a sudden I wasn't listening to just a song, it was more like i was experiencing each beat of the song in my mind. I could hear a lyric, or a note and be transported into a dream where the lyric or note was symbolized. For example last night, or i guess this morning, i was listening to the Shiny Toy Guns because i thought their sleepy techno tunes could put me to sleep fast. When i was listening to "Don't Cry Out" at first the song made me feel like i was in a baby's crib looking up at a musical mobile that was spinning around slowly and emitting noises like wind chimes. And then I hear the drum beat and these new sounds that made me feel like i was standing in a crowd at a concert and jumping up and down to the beat of a euphoric song. As you're jumping in the crowd, this angered voice appears saying "I don't get you, I can't forget what you've forgotten, all along" and i imagine a girl alone in her room screaming to herself, not willing herself to cry over a boy. And then a voice of reason speaks saying "Don't cry out", stop your moping, love is an overrated emotion. Then through out the song you can feel her toying between searching for love or "breaking away, I'm all dressed up and I'm ready to play" which is a f-it attitude, I'm going to have fun, hook up with anybody "with no conditions". But she still yearns for the boy that broke her heart "I needed you to notice" (me) "That's all i wanted" she says. So as I am lying on the floor, my mind slightly tripping and blurring the lines of my room with my eyes, i realize that what i thought was a sleepy techno song, was the ultimate break up song for all those european party gals that dance to crazy techno and try to forget about the boy that got away.

What would Macaulay Culkin do?

I'm home alone, and while normal teenagers would be reeking havoc on their houses, going through their parents belongings, and finding lubricants and condoms that would bring nightmares for a long time, I am cleaning my room. I like to say that i'm a perfectionist that frequently fails her own expectations and then gives up. So, normally I just let my floor procure lots of belongings that start to form piles everywhere. But when i have the time, I find the urge to clean the piles and reorganize. This reorganization is never half-hearted and can sometimes take hours. If I make the commitment to clean my room, I go all out. Everything from clothes, perfume, music and old journals are rearranged. And when it's all done, I blast my speakers and sing to songs that i know every word to. Kinda like Macaulay Culkin did, except I don't own any awesome life size posters of people. Right now, Sleeping Around by Sonic Youth is playing.

Sleepin around, sleepin around
What will the neighbors do?

Sleepin around, all over town

What will the neighbors say?

Sleepin around, sleepin around
What will the neighbors think?

Overlay

So in addition to my bordem i decided to do some overlaying of pictures. This is a picture of my eye that my friend took a picture of a long time ago. I was looking through my old pictures and found it. For some reason i decided that i wanted to overlay it with pictures I once used as wallapapers for my laptop. I wonder what kind of psychological reasoning someone could make up about why i did this.

What month is it?

It's almost 12 pm and bordem is like a haze across my eyes. I have done nothing of importance or meaning today and it is irritating. It's summer, yes i understand that, but just because it's summer doesn't mean that everyone has to lie around, do nothing, and tan themselves to the color of perfection. I am far from the hedonous shrewd character that julia stiles portrayed, and my feminine insecurity makes me feel like i need to justify my actions. I woke up at an unreasonable hour hoping that i would have trippy hallucinations with guy from my school, but as 10 am rolled around, i realized that our planned 8 am confirmation call was never going to come. But on a cruel level of emotion, the call that never came had no real effect on me. To me, this guy was of no importance. Honestly, I was just using him for his dope. So is it really fair for a girl to be such a bitch? Hell if i care. As i said, it's summer, which means let the parties be raving and the drinks be mind-altering and the dope be trippy. Because not only are the highs great, but there aren't any lows of going to school on monday.